A Pictureless Post // Vulnerability Time
When it comes to my creativity, I HATE being vulnerable. Like I can sing in front of 500 people and that doesn't make me nervous, but if someone were to ask me to write lyrics to a song and sing it to one person, I would throw up. I have had to intentionally grow in that area, especially when it comes to this business. So after the first 2 days out of 21 days of prayer for my business, this is what I will share. I'm gonna write fast so I can't change my mind, so sorry if it rambles!
When I started Cultivate, it had been a long journey before I ever launched it. I didn't just decide to put up a website up one day. It was an internship, a job, a lot of praying, a lot of encouraging words from my husband and a few close friends, and it ended with me very nervously saying "let's do this". It was not like, "WOW my insane talent of decorating must be shared with the world! I am CONFIDENT!" No. I had no idea where starting Cultivate would take me, and I'm learning that it will always be like that. I'll never guess the amazing things that God puts around the corner, he just calls us to make the first step.
So after the dust settled from starting the business, I felt like God wanted something more FROM me, in order to give something more FOR me. I have been comparing myself to other designers and spending SO much time wondering if what I was doing was right or ugly or inventive or whatever, and it was crippling in a sense. I felt like I needed to make myself a brand instead of letting my honest self be what attracts people. Because this is a business and it does have to make money after all, and how the heck could I make this into a job just being...me? How would I even offer a service that I'd never seen? I was limiting myself to being jealous of other people's success and calling instead of living abundantly in the one God was trying to speak to me. I'm sure He's been trying to get my attention, but I've been too dang busy listening to podcasts and worrying about my "about me" page to listen. So what am I sensing that God is trying to do in me through Cultivate?
From the beginning I knew that there was SUCH purpose and helpfulness in making a home. Home is where you make memories, raise children, host home groups, eat meals together and talk about the day. What I have been focusing on is just the decorating side, when in reality I have been passionate about homemaking as a whole. When I focused only on how my home looked, it felt empty, and not at all like myself. I don't think it's a mistake that God allowed me to have 8 months off of work before starting a business. He wanted to show me that what I love is creating home. Not just decorating, but in being intentional about making home a place of rest, reflection, and joy. A place where we can welcome others and share the love of Christ instead of just having a place to sleep.
Do I have any idea how sharing that would be a business? Not really. But I know that God just wants me to start sharing what he's gifted me with, and the provision will come. He tells us over and over through the Bible that we don't have to be afraid. And when I think about it, I know how stupid it was to not trust in Him, because He has never failed me before!
I am beyond thankful for the fact that Madison is able to support both of us comfortably, and has repeatedly assured me that I am to do what God tells me to do, not worry about being "of value" to our marriage. It shows that I find my value through my achievements, through others' affirmation of me, and God wants to break me of that. My value is inherent, it is in Him, and could I just live my life and do my work like I really believed that? Unafraid of what it might look like to others? Cause I don't know if you know this, but homemaking isn't exactly a 2017 hot topic.
So for now, I'm putting this public for accountability and telling you that I am going to trust God with what he asks me to do in the days to come. I will have to remind myself of this every day, but I want to. I can't tell you how excited just writing this all out makes me, even if you are reading and are like, "I am majorly confused plz send helps!" I'm a person, not a brand, and I am asking for your prayers so that I can do the work God has called me to! I LOVE ALL YOU WEIRD PEOPLE! Thank you for reading! I'll keep you posted :)